broken in my failure
2025-02-22
im tired of thinking
tired of observing
tired of figuring out
as i figure out
i figure out what i had already figured out
as it turns out
i haven’t quite yet figured out myself
till i figure out
then when i do
everything is anew
the journey is anew
gosh why is there so much to figure out
why as i figure out i realize i haven’t figured out
i lost my mind
yet i feel saner than a priest who has an answer to everything
best answer is no answer
for it’s you alone
to seek
that can’t be found
till you run out of reasons to run
drop everything
and settle
everyone talks too much
they think they know too much
and i listen to everything
that’s why i never seeked
everything i needed found me
built something out
that says that’s not what i need
when someone says it
i prefer silences
i prefer the most odd
most socially unacceptable
i prefer to observe
and enter
if i’m allowed
into the sanctuary
where we sit away from this crowded restaurant filled with uninteresting people
filler of rooms
silencer of ideas
silent murderers
listening to the e minor
echoing in that sanctuary
and i see them
the ones that do not ask 3 worded questions requiring 300 worded responses
yet the chimpanzee i’m in a discourse with have the attention span of a jellyfish
please it’s an insult to chimpanzees and jellyfishes to compare the feelings those
my heart is empty to find a phrase to describe the situation with those
can’t call them braindead
even though they are
yet is it their fault they haven’t used it
clearly they didn’t need to
i pity them
i feel sorry for them
when i’m away from them
but when there is someone at the table like me
and we feel each other’s existence
when there is a chance for us to dive under the big table and swim in each other’s deep waters
perhaps exchanging some stones
but the ‘them’ at the table are putting boxes all over the ground to look taller
i’m disgusted
it truly makes me sick
i’ve been always like this
i remember the simpler times
when it was easier to stay away from people
now i’m out in the world
lost in the world in fact
looking for the one that doesn’t speak
my excitement grows when i run into them
then they speak
i let out a oh
then i feel even more sorry
not a pretty boat that i’m in huh
weep for me
as i can’t weep for myself
maybe i sound just like them
good thing this is out on the paper
if we were all to be naked most of these problems would disappear
people bury themselves under things
and i just can’t help but digging stuff
like a dog
like a excited, play loving dog
and i’m asked to be put on a leash
like the rest of them
i hold my own leash
and you all are bunch of bitches
you can’t say anything to me i haven’t told myself
i can’t be shot down by others
i hold my leash
so i decide
i can destroy you with one sentence
but i’m sure it would go over your head as you’d notice some rotating tires or a kid with an ice-cream by the time i’m half way through my sentence and go running
and don’t get me wrong everyone loves a happy dog
till it storms at your kid’s ice-cream
i hate you more than i hate myself
below a grade stands the group who hates you for stealing that kid’s ice-cream
i hate you for teaching that kid what stealing someone else’s ice-cream means
and i hate them
for hating you
instead of feeling sorry for that kid
what i hate the most about all of you is for robbing me the pleasure of being a sun chasing digging dog and turning me into a god, a responsible figure, a parental figure whose duty is to correct the misbehaviors conducted by you so my kid can eat his ice-cream in peace with his head in the sky staring at the giant ball that’s so far away called the moon
but there are so many of you
i don’t even know if i can live long enough to fix you all
let alone have some ice-cream with my beloved child
i hate you all for filling my heart with hatred
preventing me from dreaming about the day i wander off with my child
i hate you all for hating being child
i hate you all from being miles away from the place you were forced to leave it behind
and i hate you all for not taking my hand and help you go look for it
as i’m just a 21 year old bum and not a reflection of your long lost self
if you looked more than 10 seconds and spit all your hatred i could make you see
that i stay and let you
do what you need to
maybe you think you would break me
seeing you broken breaks me more
and there is no remedy for it
you can never break me
but seeing your body trespassed
watching it being the den of 300 lost souls
i’m broken in my failure to help you
how do you want to read?
poems can unravel themselves as you read, line by line, at a considered pace — or just sit there, fully visible, like normal.
change this anytime — look for “reading: …” near the top of any poem.