broken in my failure

im tired of thinking

tired of observing

tired of figuring out

as i figure out

i figure out what i had already figured out

as it turns out

i haven’t quite yet figured out myself

till i figure out

then when i do

everything is anew

the journey is anew

gosh why is there so much to figure out

why as i figure out i realize i haven’t figured out

i lost my mind

yet i feel saner than a priest who has an answer to everything

best answer is no answer

for it’s you alone

to seek

that can’t be found

till you run out of reasons to run

drop everything

and settle

everyone talks too much

they think they know too much

and i listen to everything

that’s why i never seeked

everything i needed found me

built something out

that says that’s not what i need

when someone says it

i prefer silences

i prefer the most odd

most socially unacceptable

i prefer to observe

and enter

if i’m allowed

into the sanctuary

where we sit away from this crowded restaurant filled with uninteresting people

filler of rooms

silencer of ideas

silent murderers

listening to the e minor

echoing in that sanctuary

and i see them

the ones that do not ask 3 worded questions requiring 300 worded responses

yet the chimpanzee i’m in a discourse with have the attention span of a jellyfish

please it’s an insult to chimpanzees and jellyfishes to compare the feelings those

my heart is empty to find a phrase to describe the situation with those

can’t call them braindead

even though they are

yet is it their fault they haven’t used it

clearly they didn’t need to

i pity them

i feel sorry for them

when i’m away from them

but when there is someone at the table like me

and we feel each other’s existence

when there is a chance for us to dive under the big table and swim in each other’s deep waters

perhaps exchanging some stones

but the ‘them’ at the table are putting boxes all over the ground to look taller

i’m disgusted

it truly makes me sick

i’ve been always like this

i remember the simpler times

when it was easier to stay away from people

now i’m out in the world

lost in the world in fact

looking for the one that doesn’t speak

my excitement grows when i run into them

then they speak

i let out a oh

then i feel even more sorry

not a pretty boat that i’m in huh

weep for me

as i can’t weep for myself

maybe i sound just like them

good thing this is out on the paper

if we were all to be naked most of these problems would disappear

people bury themselves under things

and i just can’t help but digging stuff

like a dog

like a excited, play loving dog

and i’m asked to be put on a leash

like the rest of them

i hold my own leash

and you all are bunch of bitches

you can’t say anything to me i haven’t told myself

i can’t be shot down by others

i hold my leash

so i decide

i can destroy you with one sentence

but i’m sure it would go over your head as you’d notice some rotating tires or a kid with an ice-cream by the time i’m half way through my sentence and go running

and don’t get me wrong everyone loves a happy dog

till it storms at your kid’s ice-cream

i hate you more than i hate myself

below a grade stands the group who hates you for stealing that kid’s ice-cream

i hate you for teaching that kid what stealing someone else’s ice-cream means

and i hate them

for hating you

instead of feeling sorry for that kid

what i hate the most about all of you is for robbing me the pleasure of being a sun chasing digging dog and turning me into a god, a responsible figure, a parental figure whose duty is to correct the misbehaviors conducted by you so my kid can eat his ice-cream in peace with his head in the sky staring at the giant ball that’s so far away called the moon

but there are so many of you

i don’t even know if i can live long enough to fix you all

let alone have some ice-cream with my beloved child

i hate you all for filling my heart with hatred

preventing me from dreaming about the day i wander off with my child

i hate you all for hating being child

i hate you all from being miles away from the place you were forced to leave it behind

and i hate you all for not taking my hand and help you go look for it

as i’m just a 21 year old bum and not a reflection of your long lost self

if you looked more than 10 seconds and spit all your hatred i could make you see

that i stay and let you

do what you need to

maybe you think you would break me

seeing you broken breaks me more

and there is no remedy for it

you can never break me

but seeing your body trespassed

watching it being the den of 300 lost souls

i’m broken in my failure to help you